12 years ago today, I wrote and published my first blog post. It was a badly written piece about world affairs—among the topics I had covered were the Russian annexation of Crimea and the missing Malaysian Airlines MH370. Reading it today, I’m confused as to what I was trying to say. I’m certain I was confused back then, too. But that didn’t stop me.
I would like to have said that I have been blogging consistently for 12 years, but I haven’t.
In 2014, I had just left school, with not much to show for it. That was almost half a lifetime ago. A lot has changed since then. I have certainly not become any wiser. A bit less impulsive, perhaps, but I have no grand epiphanies to share. I still feel like I’m fumbling through life with no aim, as I did back then, but does anyone ever shake that feeling?
I’m trying not to take myself too seriously, and not to take this blog too seriously. There was a time when I forced myself to write things, things I barely knew anything about—like philosophy and physics. I can’t do that anymore in good faith. Instead, I’ve made this phase of my Internet Life about documenting, and leaving a digital footprint. In the absence of social media—I have quit everything except Reddit and LinkedIn, where you will not see me share much of my personal affairs—I’ve made this website an outlet to announce tiny details of my life to the world. I don’t care if anyone sees it, in fact, I would be happier if nobody did.
Ironic, isn’t it? Why write any of this in the first place? Why keep this website going after 12 years? Why the /now page?
I can shut it all down in an instant, but then I would lose my outlet. I find that putting things down on the page helps, not for anyone to see, but for my own sanity. I tinker with things for the same reason. Taking up new projects (until I get bored) helps. I think it keeps a lid on my anxiety. I would hesitate to self-diagnose, but I am attuned with myself enough to know that years of trying desperately not to be a disappointment (and failing) will bottle up a lot of it.
Perhaps in another 12 years I would have some answers.
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